Ever year I take the time to write up my reflections on the year before. I think it’s important part of my personal growth and I find it quite cathartic, as well as interesting going back to read them a year on. When I sat down to write this post, I’m struck by the contrast of how I feel now with how I felt a year ago in last year’s reflections which was full of hope and positivity. The year I end feeling a weight.
A year weighed down by transphobia
Last year I started with the reflection that I felt I was getting over the burnout in my professional career caused by my previous job, and feeling a bit unsatisfied with how challenging I was finding my current role following the return to being an individual contributor. This was premature, and I end the year once again in a deep state of burnout, although at this time at least not caused by my professional career.
A spiral started in April following the Supreme Court’s ruling re-interpreting the Equality Act (which I blogged about at the time at Lib Dem Voice). I can not state enough just how much of a cloud I have been under, and weight I have felt on my shoulders since then, and the toll it has taken on me. The constant stream of media reporting demonising people like myself and my friends, the constant threat and fear of things continuing to get worse, and how many people have just lapped up the distortion of the ruling by anti-trans bigots to twist it into something worse than it is has put me into a state of constant anxiety (something I spoke about to the Independent, in an article published on Christmas Day).
Small wins, like the review of adult trans healthcare being nothing worse than a missed opportunity for greater reform, and multiple employment tribunals finding that so-called bathroom bans (or changing room bans) are not actually needed as a consequence of the Supreme Court ruling feel nothing more than technical victories against a wave of cultural oppression.
I don’t want to dwell too much on the impact transphobia has had on me over the last year, as great as that has been, but when it comes to reflecting on my political achievements over the past year, it’s not really possible to disentangle it.
One of my personal biggest moments at the year was learning I’d been awarded the Patsy Calton prize by Liberal Democrat Women. Another Greater Manchester Lib Dem, Patsy represented Cheadle and sadly lost her life to breast cancer, and this award was set up in her name. I was very honoured to be awarded the prize, recognising the work I’ve done in the party where I’ve mentored campaigners (both formally at events like ALDC’s Kickstart, and also hearing from people who’ve looked up to me informally through connections I’ve built within the party), as well as the work I’ve done locally in Manchester in helping grow our group here, standing up for our communities, and punching above our weight as a small opposition group.
When I found out I’d won the award, I was fully expecting for it to not pass without comment from anti-trans bigots. Indeed, pretty much straight away, the usual group of transphobic party members who regularly try to damage the party (but who the party is too scared of to take action against) ran to the right-wing press to create a media uproar about me receiving the award (the bullying of course taking place as the organisation rather than as individuals, to avoid recourse through the party’s complaints system – although one of the party’s members of the House of Lords did join in, attacking not only myself but my friends and colleagues who attempted to defend me).
The subsequent bullying triggered by this was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I had to make reports to Operation Ford (which looks at threats made to elected politicians) and the level of effort and commitment that was put into harassing me caught me by surprise. Despite all this, I was heartened by the rally of support by people I know in the party, and even from people I didn’t – seeing comments from Patsy’s daughters on Facebook choosing to defend the decision to grant the award to me really helped me weather that difficult time.
Gender critical transphobia is like any other extremist radical belief, and adherents to it are truly people who need help to become well and able to become participants in civil society without their bigotry blinding them. It is not normal behaviour for a charity trustee, and former Olympian, to search the Parkrun website for my personal individual records in order to trigger and encourage bullying to discourage a trans woman from taking part in a run at her local weekly park. After being made aware of this, I of course was more motivated to run and made sure I was up bright and early on that Saturday morning to join in (unfortunately feeling compelled to take my emergency SOS button provided to me by the council in case some people decided to escalate the online bullying into in-person harassment).
Following this, I have almost entirely withdrawn from social media, not looking at my Twitter account any more (supported by Meg blocking it on our home Internet connection), seldom looking at Bluesky and withdrawing from most Discord servers I am in, to focus just on smaller more personal connections. I am still active on Mastodon and Instagram, but I’m saddened to have left parts of the Internet which have brought me joy, friendships and connections over the years.
Dealing with transphobia is a weight around me that I wish I did not have to deal with, but unfortunately as a visible trans woman, I do not have a choice. Despite the bullying and harassment, I remain determined to prove that trans people are just like everyone else, people with a richness and depth which if anything is enhanced by (but not defined by) our transness.
For me, I got into politics not because my primary goal is to bring around trans liberation, but because I want to make the world a better place for everyone. A fairer world, working towards the elimination of poverty and insecurity where people are free to be themselves, with systems that work not to protect themselves, but to serve society to make it better.
I went through a deep period of self-reflection over whether it’s possible to do this within a political party that made a decision that did not recognise trans people as the gender they are in internal elections. Although I feel individually supported by the party (evidenced by the award and the response to that from the party machinery when challenged), if they’re not supporting and recognising my trans identity as a class, is that sufficient? I wrote in Lib Dem Voice for this earlier this year and came to the conclusion that overall I can do this, and the party is a vehicle for it, even when party leadership lets us down, and I’m pleased to see that the our system of checks and balances worked to bring the party’s actions back into line with its beliefs (even if constrained to do so by the Supreme Court ruling), even if it should never have had to do that.
Finding my place in the world of politics
I’m now over half way through my term in council. Being here in politics and finding my place within the system of local government has helped me find how, as an opposition councillor, I can effect change. There is lots I can do as a ward councillor when it comes to getting things done in my local area – standing up for residents and helping those who’ve fallen in gaps in the system, properly engaging with council staff when it comes to decisions being made which affect our area and making sure those decisions are good well grounded ones (far too often it appears the council will make an easy decision, rather than the best one, and we have to fight for that). It saps energy to do this, and the results of steering things behind the scenes, can be hard to appreciate, and indeed it’s easy to take criticism from residents personally when we’ve not been able to get the council to take some particular action, or ultimately aren’t successful in steering something the way we want to do.
In opposition, I think I’ve found an effective way of “holding the executive to account” which goes beyond just asking uncomfortable questions, or calling out hypocrisy in their actions, but to work within the flow to steer and shine a light on political actions to influence them for the better.
I draw on my political belief of decentralistion of power building strong effective societies, with systems that serve everyone, not just a ruling class. This belief has strengthened over the past year. Giving too much power to individuals only works when those individuals act altruistically. They can not be relied on to do this. Overly rigid systems can be broken when loopholes are found and there’s no flexibility to heal and fix those holes. Compare the formal checks and balances of the US constitution being ineffective at stopping a tyrant such as Trump destroying American democracy versus the woolier and more decentralised system of the UK which stopped Truss doing even more damage than her government already did (I note that she’s now advocating for a system which puts more power into one person).
In my own way, attempting to decentralise power to move it away from solely in the hands of the executive and officers, but into visible light, is what I can do in opposition as a councillor. Making sure that a light is shone on decisions being made so they can be interrogated and defended, gives opportunities to be improved. One of my greatest successes this year was in a motion I wrote and brought to the council chamber increasing the affordable housing expectation in Manchester by 50% over the previous level. It didn’t fully achieve the goal of closing the loopholes which allow the expectation to be broken, but it did get that commitment enshrined and brought to light the behind the scenes work which was going on to ensure that the commitment was made.
Opposition isn’t simply about opposing the actions of the executive, in opposition the power to bring to light, force a hand and apply pressure to those actions means we can steer in a way that’s better for our city, and that’s what I’ve found I can do well, and will continue to do well.
The positives are personal
The biggest news is simple. Meg and I proposed to each other this year whilst at a weekend away in Whitby, and we’ve set a date in October 2026. I even went and built a website for it! Making this commitment to each other, and falling more and more in love with Meg, who complements me so well in a way I could never expect and is just a foundation and stable point in this difficult world, has brought me nothing but joy (okay, maybe a bit of wedding planning stress!) and I look forward so much to our wedding day.
My friendships have grown stronger too. I have such a close group of friends that I could never have dreamed of a few years ago and as a collective we can support each other, be there for each other, and have so much fun with each other too. They’ve been there for me when I’ve needed it, and I’m blown away by the mutual love we all have for each other. Emily, Jess and Christi undertook an amazing project for my birthday and built a completely bespoke signalling display of the stations around Manchester which show the presence of trains on sections of track. The time and love that went into this honestly made me feel inadequate and I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I feel the love from it.
Meg and I travelled together to relax in Mallorca at a resort in the spring, and with my friends we also booked a villa in Spain at the tail end of the summer, as well as another theme park trip to Efteling in the Netherlands with Emily, Katie and Liv which was a lot of fun! I also managed to spend another week skiing in Les 3 Vallées, trying to introduce Meg to the absolute joy I feel gliding down mountain slopes. Unfortunately she fell and twisted her knee and had to be admitted to hospital which put a swift end to her experience! But she is keen to come and try again and enjoyed what she did and can see what the potential is once she learns and I look forward to skiing with her again (although not until 2027 most likely!)
I’ve also spent a fair bit of time (as in, several hundred hours) playing Factorio, both with my friends who got me into the game, but also on a personal world shared by Meg and myself where I had the space to try and master quite a bit more of the game. It is a very deep game, with intricate game play and mechanics, and the Space Age expansion makes it so deep. It is addictive and satisfying, and I have had dreams of belts flying by. It’s not the only game I’ve played though, getting back into Flight Sim.
The interest in Flight Sim has gone far… with Meg getting me a Winwing MCDU and I’ve bought myself a set of autopilot controls to play with too. As well as investing in a sidestick (I know not correct for a 737 but is a bit more manageable), throttle quadrant and GeForce 5070 Ti which has made the game beautiful. This interest is shared by my friend Emily, and with the YourControls software, we regularly fly routes as a pilot/co-pilot (or with her providing ATC) enjoying simulating reality and we’ve booked ourselves a go in a simulator for the new year (something I’ve done with my friend Niall who introduced me to Flight Sim to start with).
Don’t get me wrong, the joy and love of Meg, my friends and family might feel a bit overshadowed by the heavier start of this blog post, but it has been the light that has carried me throughout the year and overpowered all those darker days, and is incredibly important to me.
In particular I’m enjoying seeing my niece grow up, and seeing how much she glows when I go home and she drags me off to play (I enjoy being very silly with her and she enjoys telling me exactly what to do when we’re having a tea party). I feel bad I don’t see more of her back in Yorkshire, with the time demands of campaigning, council activities as well as other life commitments here in Manchester, but the time I do spend with her I treasure.
There have been negatives as well. I have had some worrying health issues this year. I have had elevated blood pressure for a while now and it’s been managed with medication, but following April’s Supreme Court ruling, it spiked again significantly and I’ve had to change my medication to be much stronger to bring it down to borderline manageable levels. It’s clear the toll of the wave of transphobia isn’t just on my mental health, but my physical too, with the anxiety manifesting in ways including an irregular heart rythym that I ended up attending A&E for.
In positive news however, I started Wegovy for weight loss and it’s sat with me very well. I’ve had a consistent but manageable weight loss (I’ve lost 13.4kg this year, and now am simply “overweight” rather than “obese” – at least according to the problematic measure of BMI but it’s a place I needed to get to for bottom surgery). Wegovy has been very effective, but it is not cheap and therefore out of reach of many who might want to take it. I had to undo a lot of mental work relating to how I interpreted my weight gain/inability to lose it as a personal failing and worrying that Wegovy would be cheating, but it’s not cheating to get help to reach goals, nor does it make my achievements in reaching those goals any less valid. That said, I want to make it clear that my goals around weight loss are personal ones for me, and everyone’s relationship with their body and weight is their own personal one rather than one that society should impose, and that must be respected to.
There is so much more to talk about, from media I’ve consumed and enjoyed (I’ve been devouring the Sisters of Dorley book series, and Severance was outstanding TV just to name a couple), but this piece is getting long enough as it is, and final bit to touch on is something that did make up a significant part of my 2024 reflections, which is my professional career.
Although I think I am over the burnout of my professional career, the subsequent burnout of living through this state of transphobic panic has meant the stability of my software engineering role is not something I’ve wanted to change. Unfortunately though, I’ve not been given much of a choice, with my employer undertaking a reorganisation towards a “target operational model” driven by the need to make cuts. As such, the number of senior engineers is being reduced and my job is now at risk. However, for various reasons, there are vacancies for tech lead positions which is a position available to me, and one I’ve decided to apply for in order to retain my job. I like the mission of the place, and do think it could be more effective. The particular shape of this tech lead role gives me some hope that I’ll be able to actually leverage my skills to bring around that effectiveness and do some high impact work so I’m hopeful this step will be a good opportunity and resolve some of the tensions I’ve felt at points that I blogged about last year.
What about 2026?
As I touched on above, I will be having bottom surgery (for those unfamiliar with the term, this is a euphemism for vaginoplasty) in 2026. Quite soon in 2026 in fact, with the operation scheduled at Parkside in Wimbledon for the end of January. Much of my 2026 will be focussing on preparation for, and recovery from, this operation. I am nervous about the operation, aware that recovery will be intense and hard, but excited for the next stage and what it will bring in enabling another level of contentment with my body.
The other thing I want to achieve in 2026 is to marry Meg, and have a great time doing so, with a day sharing our love with friends and family and seeing ourselves and our relationship reflect in how we express that.
Outside of this… I am not sure what 2026 will bring. I want to focus on these two goals, and then take everything else as it comes, surrounded by the love of friends and family.
I want to shake off the cloud and shadows of 2025 and let the light that did shine throughout it continue to shine brightly, and I hope I can achieve that.
❤️